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Beckee

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HAY! I've been TRYIN' TA MEET CHA [13 Mar 2011|03:38pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

 oh, hello, long lost friend.
it has been years since i've written to you.
you're my good ol' companion, Livejournal,  the old family dog- who soon became an afterthought after the baby in the family (facebook) done fucked your shit up. But you don't get mad. Oh no. Instead you still wait on the sidelines until one day when I'm completely bored I seem to remember you, once again.

Well, this relationship is not going to be one sided anymore, Livejournal. I'll start taking you on long walks again. You're my dude.

Well, I'm quickly writing down this entry before I go to work at Uncommon Ground. I'm sitting in Tom's bed, drinking some delicious homemade coffee. Life is fucking great. I'm almost graduated, one more month until I walk (but a summer semester left- but psh, who cares). My brother Marshall is ARRIVING back into the states in April (5 or 4 more weeks til he's back!) and I absolutely cannot wait to get one of the most influential and closest people in my life back. It's interesting to note, though, how I am going to have to "relearn" my brother. It's like he came back from the dead! And i say that without trying to sound eerie. God, the week between my graduation and Annie's is going to be AMAZING. Going home and just being with the WHOLE family will be so calming and happy.

I wish i could write much more right now, Livejournal, but if I do then I'm going to be late for work, and I'm NOT about to tell them that I couldn't get to work a half an hour earlier because I was too busy documenting my day on Facebook. I mean, I love you and all, but- well, you know.
 
XO .
2 pleasant interruptions to the past

[26 Jan 2009|09:46pm]
why is it a common theme for so many relationships around me to be uneven.
one person cares much more than the other one does.
i don't know if this is a part of learning how to be in a healthy relationship, but good lord.
it's like SO many relationships i see around me are just sad.
one person is pulling all the weight, waiting for the other one to come around. they beat themselves up over needing that other person.
and after i think about the fact that this is all bullshit, i can't help but to think that people can't control who they like(love?). really, you can't. and it's like this strange (fantastic?)growing experience everyone needs. but we're all waiting to get in a relationship where the love and care is equal.
..but will we ever really get to the finish line? i mean, i'd like to think so. i'd like to think someday i will truly be happy with someone and know that they love me just as much as i love them. but really, is there such thing as equivical love? can two people really pull the weight equally? i would also like to think this, but sometimes you can tell someone's putting on a show. you can tell in some relationships that one person truly is hurting deep inside or just doesn't love the other person as much, but they do it out of comfort or not being able to express how they really feel. it's like we're all waiting to get that way, we're all just floating around in the relationship pool waiting for some explosion of emotional connection with another human being.
... but is that really fair to one another? is it fair to put all these feelings onto one single human being? is a human being even capable of loving just one person an insane amount for the rest of their life?
i think at our age we're focusing our concentration on loving one person. there are so many fucking people to love in this world, not necessarily in a sexual way, why do we want to just live in harmony with another human being? can't people be self-sufficient?
i guess. some people put on a really good goddamn show. some people can literally make others believe that they are independent human beings. but really, who are they kidding? everyone needs other people. it's air to us. i know i couldn't 'live without knowing that others love me back, and even having a romantic relationship. i want to believe so badly that humans are programmed to be monogamous individuals, but, good god, with shows like cheaters, what's really reality? it's almost "trendy" to cheat nowadays. it's something that gets shrugged off SO much. "oh, he cheated again, what a jackass, maybe i'll move on, but i'm too weak, so i'll just wait around until he 'comes to his senses.'" is cheating really something that people regret? or do they just realize that it's something they shouldn't do again? it makes relationships both stronger and weaker. can we really control the urge of finding another person besides your significant other sexually attractive? no. but can we control how we act? sure. but if the feeling is there regardless, is it still cheating? who knows. how is it cheating if you can't control how you feel?
so many damn questions. who knows if i'll ever figure them out.
sometimes it feels good being single. it puts things in perspective. but it's also discouraging.
can i really count on another human being to be happy?
who knows.
3 pleasant interruptions to the past

confession [29 Dec 2008|08:03am]
 2008 confession of the year:
i think beyonce is freaking great. 
i think my favorite r&b song of the year was single ladies.

....seriously. i don't joke about this kinda stuff.


1 pleasant interruption to the past

[28 Dec 2008|02:05pm]
new years resolutions:
listen more, talk less
read more books
age well, so i look better next year  
keep positive thinking about things, because optimism is ultimately what helps you live better
learn more about wine



...and maybe some more i haven't even thought of yet.
1 pleasant interruption to the past

[13 Dec 2008|12:59pm]
HI LOVEJOURNAL.
i mean LIVEJOURNAL. SUP.
i haven't written in here in quite a while.
life's great.
i'm so excited to get home, and see everyone that i haven't seen in a while.
and not worry about school.
or art projects.
and sketch what i want, when i want.
and i can take as much time on it as i want.
and i can lay around in my pajamas and eat things other than just cans of peas and goldfish.
and i can drink as much wine as i feel like drinking.
and i can listen to my music as absolutely loud as i feel like.
1 pleasant interruption to the past

[07 Nov 2008|08:48pm]
you know what?
life is amazing

and if you don't feel like life is amazing
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

because you only have one life to prove to yourself and enjoy
and if you can't do that,
well,
you kind of suck.


:D
2 pleasant interruptions to the past

[04 Nov 2008|12:47pm]
i voted for the first time today. i feel really good about it. i waited in line for an hour and was almost half an hour late for my first class but it was worth every second! plus even though i hate starbucks i got a free small coffee today before class because i voted. that started my day off right.
i started the day in one of those "god, i have to get into the grind again" kind of moods. but i walked a few blocks to school and already felt better. there is absolutely no reason why i should feel down. none. in fact, i should feel good. so i guess i do now.
today i went to the merchandise mart to benjamin moore paints for one of my classes. it was FASCINATING. this one gay guy taught us all about paint quality, and color. we got a bunch of free stuff from them. i love love love learning about color. it's so fun. and to think my career will consist a lot of that.....
being in chicago is such a blessing. the merchandise mart is this ridiculous resource we have here and it's something that interior designers dream of going to. i'm also like 5 minutes from grant park where obama is going to have his rally. i want to go down there tonight, but i may just stay in with my roomies and hear the roars of yells and happy cries from my window. maybe we'll drink some wine tonight.

so. anyways.
feelin' pretty good.
to the past

[29 Oct 2008|09:46pm]
it's funny how everyone seems to have lost livejournal to writing in blogs on myspace or facebook.
good ol' livejournal has been keeping it real for me since high school.
i remember sitting in my computer room late at night on school night's in high school writing about my day.
and now i'm sitting here in regents park apartments in chicago talking about life three plus years after high school.
it's good to have the ol' standby,
i neglect this thing so much. maybe i should start writing in it again. i'll start talking about my days. i won't talk about everything that's happened since high school because that's far too much.

let's see. what did i do today.
today i woke up at 10am. i got out of bed, greeted my roommate in the living room, and sat down and ate a little bowl of crispix with my lactose free skim milk. i think that lactose irritates my stomach. so i've been getting the lactose free stuff and it really helps. anyways.
i ate my crispix, got in the last bit of oprah and watched a little bit of the view. the view can really annoy me after like five minutes, so i turned that shit off and got ready for school.
me and mary (my wonderful roommate) rushed to the bus stop and caught the bus to madison st, and ran like hell to the other bus to get to class on time. the bus is such an interesting little place. since i've moved here, i've thought about how many social experiments people could actually do on the bus.
everyone just sits quietly and looks forward and says nothing with the most blank expressions on their faces. i always look around and wonder what they're thinking about. the other day i looked over at this cute old lady sitting next to me and she was reading a book that was completely in french. some french novel. she was fascinating to me. sometimes i recognize people that get on the same bus the same time everyday. but no one sits there with a smile on their face. i know most of the people seem like they're friendly, but the bus is supposed to be this relaxed in-between spot for most people. when i first moved here i thought that the bus was going to be roudy and loud, but it is quite the opposite. i think one of my most favorite things to do is give up my seat for an old lady or someone who needs it nowadays. you'd never realize how much people appreciate it until you do it. loooove it. it can start my day off right. i want to just capture a moment on the bus through a photo or something and just paint it on a canvas. it would be so interesting and challenging to get the blank facial expressions completely accurate of people. because you know that everyone is thinking about <i>something</i>, you just can't exactly tell what it is.
after getting to school, i took a pretty easy test and then went to caribou for a coffee. coffee can taste so wonderful on freezing cold days in chicago. i then went to drawing class and drew for 5 hours straight. i love doing that. my teacher is amazing. sometimes he'll even play beethoven in the background to help us work. it's pretty magical.
after drawing i came home and ate some soup and goldfish and ploped down on the couch and watched a little bit of television.

my life is pretty simplistic lately, and i like it that way. i just feel right i guess.
the day after tommorrow i'm visiting my sister at michigan state and running around in gangster attire drinking and laughing. it will be the first time i've been more than ten miles from my apartment since august. yikes. i need to get away. two more weeks until my birthday!!!! i'll be 21!!! In chicagoooo!!! whoever wants to come and hang out and crash at my place let me knowwww!!!!


i love how thanksgiving is around the corner. i'm ready to come home for a few days.

ah life is sweet.
1 pleasant interruption to the past

[09 Jun 2008|12:52pm]
the shins say it best with;
"It took me all of the year
To put the poison pill to your ear
But now I stand on honest ground, on honest ground
You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove
So baby it's clear

You want to jump and dance
But you sat on your hands
And lost your only chance
Go back to your hometown
Get your feet on the ground
And stop floating around

I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there"

i love when you listen to a song that is completely and honestly applicable to everything.

sigh. so good.
to the past

[21 May 2008|04:55pm]
5 HOUR SCIENCE CLASSES TWICE A WEEK FOR 8 WEEKS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
at least i have it with andy vickers and jackie.


this saturday i go to virginia. whoppppieeeeee. 
:D
later babez.
2 pleasant interruptions to the past

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